Sleeping Freshmen Never Lie

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It warms the cockles of my heart to recognise that in this great country of ours any little boy may grow up to be a president who can’t keep his line item veto in his pants.

When the news broke that President Bill Clinton had been accused of having “an improper sexual relationship” with a 21-year old White House intern named Monica Lewinsky, and that he supposedly asked her to lie to cover up the affair, I didn’t rather recognise what to think. So, as I commonly do in times of quandary, I let the little voices in my head fight it out.

The voting Republican in me did a little dance and said, “Aha, we’ve got him now! Slick Willy is going down! Somebody get Ronald Reagan on the phone!”

The pragmatist in me (he’s the severe looking one with no friends) said, “Now hold on a minute, you guys. Let’s not pass judgement until we have all the facts. Don’t forget what we did to Michael Jackson and poor Tonya Harding!”

The Aaron Spelling in me said, “What an evil vixen this Monica Lewinsky ought to be! She probably concocted the whole ugly story because President Clinton, being the champion of morality that he is, spurned her sleazy attempts at seduction. What a feather in her Gucci cap that would have been, seducing the President of the United States! I’m amazed she didn’t undertake to sing at his birthday party!”

And that little share of me which is a fellow member in good standing of the “I’m A Guy So Sue Me Club” said, “Why, Bill Clinton, you old son of a gun…”

What I find surprising in regards to these allegations is that the focus is not on whether there was an improper sexual relationship, but on whether Billy Boy told Miss Monica to lie with regards to it if questioned. Telling her to lie beneath oath could lead to charges of obstruction of justice and perjury, offenses punishable by fines, imprisonment, and forced exposure to Janet Reno’s Panama City vacation video.

In other words, it’s okay to have sex with an individual other than your spouse, just don’t lie when it comes to it if an independent counsel happens to stop by with a six pack of beer and a briefcase full of subpoenas.

A recent network news poll showed that 58% of women surveyed felt that, even if the sexual allegations versus Clinton are true, it has no bearing on his capacity to run this country. The respondents called Clinton’s behavior, “typically male,” which means: he’s a man, that’s what they do. I’m personally insulted by such generalizations because I recognise the typical male couldn’t get himself embroiled in a sex scandal with a 21-year old woman if he tried! Uh, so I hear.

Having lost all faith in the network news polls, I contacted my old friend and mentor, Dr. Beechwood A. Jing, Professor Emiritis at the South Hampton Institute of Technology’s Hammond-Eggar Anthropological Department, and asked him to conduct a little survey of his own. (You may do not forget Dr. Jing as the inventor of the much-maligned, sponge toilet seat in the late seventies.) Always more than willing to do his portion for science and an old drinking buddy, Dr. Jing surveyed 12 coeds who attend his freshman Apolitical Ethics class, 4 lunchroom ladies he found unloading a dog feed truck out back of the cafeteria, and 3 female colleagues who were smoking Virginia Slims cigarettes and drinking International Coffee in the teacher’s lounge. Dr. Jing asked these women a series of carefully-researched questions concerning the allegations versus the President. Of the women surveyed:

89% believe Clinton is guilty of sexual misconduct, but if he promises to never play the saxophone again, they will pardon him.
53% found Bill Clinton sexually likeable in a “used car salesman sort of way.”
71% think the only woman in Washington Clinton isn’t sleeping with is his wife.
And 99% said that if Bill Clinton did have sex with a woman other than his wife and did ask her to lie to cover his behind, his conduct is not surprising because it was… distinctively male. Damn.

As a man who has painted himself into more corners than Wile E. Coyote, here’s my counsel for Bill Clinton: Interrupt the last episode of Seinfeld with a live, televised press conference, then step up to the microphone and say: “Okay, America, you got me. I confess it. I had sex with Gennifer Flowers and Monica Lewinsky and I asked them both to lie regarding it. And I tried to have sex with Paula Jones, but her nose kept getting in the way! So now that you know the truth, America, I say to you, ‘So what?’ You want to impeach me? You want me to step down? Well, before you do, let me say just two words: Al Gore.”

“Mr. President! Mr. President! Sam Donaldson, ABC News!”

“Hold your water, Sam. I’m not answering any questions tonight. I’m already late for quarter beer and wings night at Hooter’s and after that I’m being made an honorary fellow member of the Kennedy family. So good night, all, and God bless America.”

Perhaps Secretary of Defense William Cohen put it up best when he told Larry King: “I would have to say he (Clinton) is one of the smartest humans I’ve ever met. His understand of complex situations is incredible. He stays on top of everything. I like a hands-on president.”

Don’t we all, Mr. Cohen. Don’t we all.

Starting high school is never easy. Seniors take your lunch money. Girls you’ve known eternally are of a sudden finelooking and unattainable. And you may never get sufficient sleep. Could there be a worse time for Scott’s mother to announce she’s pregnant? Scott decides high school would be a lot less overpowering if it came with a survival manual, so he begins to write down tips for his new sibling. Meanwhile, he’s attempting his best to capture the attention of Julia, the freshman goddess. In the process, Scott manages to become involved in almost everything the school has to offer. So while he tries to find his place in the mixing up world of high school, win Julia’s heart, and keep his sanity, Scott will be recording all the details for his sibling’s—and your—enjoyment.

From School Library JournalStarred Review. Grade 7-10 -Scott Hudson is the quintessential freshman. He’s small, he’s lost, and seniors yoke him for spare change. His honors homework keeps him up all night and his gym teacher is attempting to kill him. He joins the paper, runs for student council, and tries out for the play, just to be near a girl he likes. This all backfires. He turns out to be the least athletic sports reporter in school history, and freshman lackey to the sadists on stage crew. Meanwhile, his mother is pregnant. The plot is framed by Scott’s diary of counsel for the unborn baby. The novel’s absurd, comical mood is apparent in it is entries, like “Scott Hudson’s List of Good Things when it comes to Getting Beat Up,” and jabs at the fetus (“I hope we may recover our investment [in baby furniture] when I trade you.”). The author brings the protagonist to three-dimensional life by combining these introspective musings with active, hilarious narration. This format likewise breaks up the story for slower readers. Scott’s reputation arc is exceedingly satisfying as he gives rise to his true amount of energy over the nine months of school and the pregnancy. His interactions with the school delinquent and the to a considerable degree pierced new girl are fresh and subtle. Though Scott measuredly peppers his diary with SAT words, Lubar’s language use and writing style are deceptively simple. The teen’s physical and aroused tumult is as clear, familiar, and complex as high school itself.-Johanna Lewis, New York Public Library
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a section of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

From BooklistGr. 8-11. Scott Hudson chronicles the ups and downs of his eventful freshman year in high school, as he joins the newspaper, works as a stage manager for the spring play, learns a lot from his outstanding English teacher, tries to help a student who attempts suicide, is beaten up because of a girl, and goes to the spring dance. Along the way, he discovers that his mother is pregnant, and he writes a series of perceptive letters to his soon-to-be sibling. By the end, Scott has outgrown his freshman insecurities, realizing that he has carved a place for himself in the high-school world. The story delivers too galore messages as Scott learns one essential lesson after another. Still, most readers will find a great deal of amusing, precise observations when it comes to freshman life, from the insecurities of firstborn dates to the dangers of walking the hall amidst classes. Todd Morning
Copyright © American Library Association. All rights reserved

Review[A] fresh, genuinely funny picture of an earnest yet hapless teen . . .(BCCB)

Most helpful customer reviews

18 of 19 people found the following review helpful.
Funny View of Freshman Year
By Jarrod T Thompson
Sleeping Freshman is a great book for any Young Adult to read. It is an interesting and funny perspective of Freshmen trying to fit in at the high school level.